Bullying: a premeditated, intentional, repetitive harming of another person.
Some children have genuine troubles that other people do not see. Some children are pressured by peers and society, some may have limited communication skills or no emotional coping strategies, or things going on at home. Therefore they may lash out. Does this mean they get a free pass when they hurt another? No. This means we can alter their behaviour by addressing their needs and helping them to develop skills that they can apply to everyday life. Build the child up from the inside and address the problem, and you will see less undesirable behaviour. This takes consistent effort from all involved in the child’s development; parents, family members and teachers. It’s certainly not a quick fix. You’ve got to accept it takes time and consistency.
Sometimes children become very easy targets. Some kids know that if they wind a kid up in a certain way, they will “kick off” and they think it’s funny. The kid who kicks off is the one who gets into trouble, and the true instigator gains a sense of power and achievement. It happens.
Parents understandably want to protect their children, and each will get a different version of events. Parents, I encourage you to lead the way and set a good example. Violence is not acceptable as a first choice. If a child is doing all they can to avoid the violence, we must be on their side. Kids often lose trust in adults. One half say violence is not tolerated, and the others will encourage it. We must listen, teach, and lead by example. Kids watch us, and learn by our actions more than our words.
It’s tough for them. What do they do with so many mixed messages?
Children, I believe, should be taught how to defend themselves, yes – fight back, but we must not neglect teaching the very important skill of diffusion.
To teach adults how to read a situation and decide in a split second whether you can successfully diffuse it, or need to react physically is very tough. So how do we expect kids to sort it out? Kids are confused mainly, what are the rules? Can/should I fight back? Will I get into trouble if I defend myself? It’s up to us as adults to communicate and guide them with a clear message:
Avoid > Escape > Engage
Avoidance: Do not start anything. Respect your peers. Work on becoming confident and therefore not an easy target. It’s up to you whether to walk different ways, avoid places where bullies hang out. You do have the right to enjoy life and go anywhere in safety, but other people may not follow those rules and ideologies. Be aware of that. You do have the right to say no.
Escape: Try and avoid fights by building a resilience, enlist an adult’s help and advice. Escape doesn’t always mean running, though running has saved me from time to time and I’m not ashamed of it! Escape can mean conflict resolution, or saying “I don’t want to fight, but I will if you push me to it”. Learn about conflict resolution and how emotions can alter your own behaviours, because they are so strong and overwhelming!
Engage: You have a right to defend yourself. You should at least match your assailant’s energy. I must be clear, this does not mean mirroring their behaviour, this means your response should be appropriate to the threat. You shouldn’t worry about getting into trouble for protecting yourself. Shut the situation down, keep in control, and then get out of there. Do not go back for revenge, because then someone has a right to protect themselves against YOU.
Bullying is not OK
Bullying is never ok, and should never be tolerated. Children do need boundaries, limitations and learn to understand consequences. Some kids are used to getting away with everything and a few enjoy being bullies. Unfortunately you can’t always get through to parents, or the child, that is why we need to arm our children with a variety of skills to keep them safe.
Violence is always a last resort, and that should be the norm.
